Some Days Just Knock You On Your Ass...

Yesterday was one of those days. It was horribly disappointing, gut wrenching, and diabolical all at the same time; and today, I'm still having a hard time with it. I've never been one to claim to understand people, but when you've put yourself in a situation to help people and they turn it around on you, there is a feeling that is indescribable. I sit and wonder what were they thinking? Why would they do that? What do they have to gain by hurting others? Did they realize the actions that would transpire? I cried a lot yesterday and am trying to control the tears today. This was in addition to finding out that my mom has to have a procedure done, and it's not a little one either. I am grateful for the support of Rodney and Isaac, and the pretty shoes they bought me to in effort to make me feel better. All of this has overshadowed something that is really good, but I just can't celebrate that right now and my sadness has overcome all else. But I have hope that this too shall pass.

Do We Make Our Own Destiny or Are We On God's Good Will?

As I've learned to deal with changes in life so much better, I never know what door to go through when new ones open. They are always unexpected openings and I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to go through that door because it suddenly opened. Or what the significance of it opening again, twice, in a relatively short amount of time. Life feels like a game sometimes, and I'm really not a huge fan of games. I've heard quite a bit these past couple of months, "When you decide what you want to do, the Universe has it's way of making it happen." Being one who likes control, it's hard for me to let go. It's hard for me not to think of every possible good and bad thing that could happen if I do one thing and not the other. I think too much. I wrap my head around an idea and stick to it, and sometimes I'm disappointed. Today I am so grateful for my dear friends, who called early this morning, and showed up later in the morning to spend most of the day with me. Actually, they've been with me every day since minutes after I walked in the door from work on Friday night and again last night for movies and ice cream. I think God did know that I needed a distraction, and sent the perfect people to do that. I apologize if these thoughts come across randomly; my brain is a bit out of sorts.

I've Been Going About It All Wrong...

I'm that little tree and the sun has come out of the the high thin clouds and has shined his light on me. It feels great to have figured it out. Once things come to fruition I will indulge more and will fill in the holes. But for now, I hope it works the way I see it. The possibilities will be endless.

How Do You Know?

I've been faced with a challenge most only can wish for in this strapped economy. Of course I cannot divulge just yet, but I can vent in trying to figure out which road I would like to travel. What I have in front of me right now I'm grateful for, and whichever God believes is the road for me I will drive it with pride.

"We are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection."

While my choice for Presidency did not win, we've been a part of a historical election and I feel the ground has been broken for a woman to be in office in 2012. I think Obama has a rough road ahead of him. There are a lot of things that need to be fixed in this nation, and it will be no easy task to resolve those issues. All I can do is pray that things will get better under this man's administration. Good luck and godspeed, Mr. President.

P.S. I was very moved by McCain's gracious concession speech. It was also moving to see Sarah Palin's eyes well up.

Happy Halloween!!!

Today is Halloween and the first year I have nothing planned for the evening. I don't have a costume, and didn't even think of something until this morning. I've been so busy with work, it's amazing I realized it was Halloween. I think of it more as month end, and five more weeks before going into production.

Before the bottom fell out of the family, we would spend it together. When we were in high school we would go over to my Aunt Margaret's house where she would have a huge party. She would make posole, taquitos, chile bowl, beans, tortillas, enchiladas, it was a feast. She would hand out candy to the kids and would invite the parents in for dinner. If they didn't want any, or didn't hear her, she would chase them down the street with a taquito. Our family's need to feed anyone in our presence, even if it's just for a minor second, runs deep. When my Auntie died, my other aunt kept the tradition going. She lived in a great neighborhood and we would have a huge feast before taking the kids out to Trick-or-Treat. She moved, amongst other things, and that ended.

I don't know what it is, but parties just aren't fun anymore. I feel very out of place. Maybe it's because I don't drink very much anymore. So while I was invited to a party tonight, if I go it will be very late and sans costume. If I would have given it any thought at all, with a little help from Spanx, Crisco and fishing line, I would have tried to pull off Jessica Rabbit. Maybe next year....

Have a SAFE and Happy Halloween!!!

I'm Can't Seem to Drop the Shoulders...

You would think that after passing my exam I would be a little less tense, but that is not the case. One of the things we are to observe while seeing a client is the drop of the shoulders. This brings to our attention that our potential client has relaxed in our presence and the ease of conversation is inevitable. Throughout my day I am very aware that my shoulders are usually up around my ears and today especially, every time I went to the bathroom, I made a conscious effort to drop them. However, I imagine they are attached to my ears with the same type of string my badge is attached to it's holder thingy.

I studied all day for the next exam, scheduled the exam I need to retake for late November, and never left work... until 4:00. My hand occasionally cramps up from all the note taking I'm doing (this happens from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep), so I tried to outline on my laptop, but that was harder because of formatting complications. So I stopped at Walgreens to buy an ergonomic pencil, and a very large beer - Chilada to be exact - in attempt to get these shoulders relaxed. Not even going to the gym helped. In fact, it irritated my stomach more than it was before I got there. So much so that when I got home and made the fish I was craving, by the time it was cooked I no longer wanted it. I ate two vanilla wafers and a half teaspoon of peanut butter and called it a night on the couch watching tv.

I'm not sure I see relief even after I go into production as a lot of hard work will ensue. Work that will be fun, but stressful, nonetheless. But I can only take things day by day, minute by minute, and I'm pushing through. I look forward to getting home to at least try and let go. If I could just get my body to relax, things might be a touch more bearable.

Hope all it well with you all...

My New Favorite Song... Kanye West Love Lockdown

Breath...

This afternoon I will be taking another state exam. While I feel comfortable with the material, I'm still very nervous. It's a considerably shorter exam, which means less margin for error. I usually do well taking tests mid-morning and they don't necessarily recommend taking exams late in the afternoon, but 3:00 is the only time they had open today. So I'm treating today like a Saturday. I got up an hour later (my body still knows it's Friday and wouldn't let me sleep later), I'm enjoying my coffee on the couch watching TV and playing on the net. I'll get ready soon and review the book before being at the testing center a half hour early.

My plan to study yesterday was foiled by a conference and a migraine. My mom, was here at my house with my dad cleaning the carpets (they are the best!) and my mom had some migraine medication with her in her pill box, Thank God! It was 2:00 and I still hadn't made it to the office. When they left I did too and stopped at Starbucks to get a tall coffee to see if that would help. It was starting to ease up by the time I got to the office, but after talking to two of my colleagues who have recently taken the tests they both advised me to rest up. They assured me that I knew the information based on my practice exams, and that it was more important to relax than to cram. One of them had to schedule an exam late in the afternoon and advised me, under no circumstances, to come to the office during the day -- he failed that exam. I totally understand. When you study all day long, by 3:00 your brain is fried. So I took both their advice.

It helped that I received a phone call from Rod, saying he'd just got to my house on my way home. So we visited for awhile before he had to leave. At that point I was ready to take a few more book practice exams. I'm averaging a least an 80% at most an 88% on the practice exams. I'm pretty confident in knowing the information, but that doesn't make me any less nervous. In fact, the books are right here next to me so I can review some more. I don't like exams at all.

Update: I passed. On to study for the next... But not until Monday or Tuesday...

Role Models... Yes Please...

I'll be seeing this movie, for the sheer fact that these two are hot... and it looks really funny...

Things That Suck:

• One fucking point! That's what I needed to pass my freakin exam yesterday. I missed it by One! Fucking! Point!
• PMS -- there are many things encompassed by this...That of which is a whole nother post.
• Mud Slinging Election Ads -- I can't wait for this election to be over!
• Covenant controlled condo complexes! We pay so much fucking money to live here, we should be able to do whatever the fuck we want as long as it's not hurtful or disruptive! If the market was good enough to sell this place I would and buy a detached home. (There are actually a lot of great things about where I live, but it's not about the positive things right now...)
• The economy! Expensive gas, groceries and necessities. Need I say more?
• Paying bills!
• Being hungry for something but not being able pinpoint exactly what to I want.
• Cleaning the house...
• The new New Kids on the Block song featuring NeYo. It should be NeYo feat NKOTB and it sounds a lot like the newest Cold Play song I love. It's just enough to drive me nuts.

Well that's a short list. I thought it was going to be longer. I guess there are very few things that suck right now, which makes this post kinda suck. Ha! One more!

Here We Go Again...

When this storm came through: I was sitting at the Corrales Flying Star yesterday afternoon studying , when a horrible storm came through. The power went out 4 times, and the people that were sitting at the booths at each of the windows on the building were getting up and standing in the center of the restaurant. I was sitting at a half booth (you know the kind where one side is a booth, the other side of the table is a chair) four feet from that window. The entire restaurant was engulfed in rain and hail, the young trees looked like they were going to topple over, and the glass on those windows shook with the pressure of the wind, rain, and hail.

Now I have a habit of becoming part of a story, and can't remember what's real and what's happened in a story, hence the title. The other night the boys were over and Isaac was watching the new Harry Potter movie trailer online. I've read all the books and couldn't remember who died when, and what book was coming out as the movie. For some reason I thought it was the last book, but Rodney clarified by telling me I had the Half-Blood Prince sitting on the shelf. I decided I needed a refresher and I started reading the book again the other night.

Well this morning, as I sat down to read the local news on-line and saw the book sitting on the coffee table, that storm reminded me of the first few pages of the book. In the beginning they introduce the relationship the Prime Minister of England has with the Minister of Magic. The Minister comes to see the Prime Minister because there are a lot of bad things going on in England that are the doings of the wizards and witches, but the muggles just think they are just random freaks of nature.

One of the "freaks of nature" was, out-of-the-blue crazy weather. Sure the weather has been cold, but pretty nice, and then yesterday there was hail, rain, wind that pulled full grown trees from their roots, and proivided tornado warnings for central NM. Then all of the sudden it just stopped. Yes the weather men predicted it, but not to the extent it came across. In the morning they said it was to be breezy with a 50% of rain in the metro area. That is NOT what happened. Now I know Harry Potter is just a story, but J.K. Rowling has an awesome way of making it real enough that I can't help but to relate it to real life and then talk about it like it is...

This Is Where I Live...

Balloon Fiesta is upon us and while the balloons have either traveled North or have been rained out, this morning was the first day the weather provided me and my neighbors with an attack of the hot air balloons. These are some pics I took right out my door and on my way to work:

Happy 60th Uncle Tommy...

There were a ton of photographers taking this photo and laughing because someone said, "You better get this picture now, you never know if we'll ever get these four all together again." This is the fab four, my Aunt Audrey, Uncle Tommy, Dad and Aunt Veronica (there were five, but my Aunt Margaret, the oldest, passed away 17 years ago.) Today there was a huge party for my Uncle Tommy's 60th birthday and I actually enjoyed myself.

Like every big family, there are some of us that don't get along. And like every big family there is usually one that stirs the pot, sometimes two. But for one day, we let bygones be bygones and my dad and I showed up --hence my uncle crying. My Uncle Tommy and Aunt Audrey were so grateful and happy to see us, not to mention the rest of the family (most of all the ones who flew in from San Francisco. Two of them actually stopped at my parent's house to make sure my dad was going.) It's sad that we all got along until my Grandpa passed away. After that it all kind of fell to shit. But when a family is as big of family as we are, it's easy to ignore the ones we don't talk to when at an event.

What I find quite amusing is my little 98 year-old Auntie from San Francisco (the white haired lady is my aunt, the other my grandma.) She sat next to me on the couch to privately tell me that she prays to the miraculous mercy saint everyday (she's hardcore Catholic) that all of us would get along. Then she told me not to trust anyone in the family and never tell anyone anything, she told me this at least three times to get her point across. She's obviously a very wise woman.

The day was good. I enjoyed visiting with those I don't get to see all the time. I ate a lot. My uncle was happy... and THAT is all that matters!

Almost Done...With the First Test...

Well I've finished the book and I'm preparing for the state exam. It's been a rough week and half, but I'm getting the hang of it and that feels good. I've been told I'm retaining much more than I think I am, but I want to know a lot so that I don't pass by the skin of my teeth. Today my eyes, their sockets, and brain hurt. So much so, in fact, it hurts to type this. I just wanted to touch base though. I hope all is well with everyone...

One Is The Lonliest Number That You'll Ever Do...

I don't know why this lyric has been in my head all morning. I've been concentrating so much on studying that I miss getting out and about and being with people. I've pretty much been locked in my house all week and while I've been to the office and such, I still feel really lonely. I had a phone conference meeting Friday morning, and there is a guy who is studying from home because they don't have room for him in their office just yet. The managing trainer told us to make sure that we email him and offer support, and I totally understand why now. I get why they would like for us to study at the office. It's so we won't go crazy. I know it might sound ridiculous, but a text book is not something you can feel a part of like a story. I can get lost in a book and feel like I'm a part of it. Today I'm going to the bookstore to start a new unit and see if I can concentrate someplace I love to be. Tomorrow a new girl starts and I'm hoping that will help as well.

I've Never Been One to Fit in a Mold...

Today was a little better. I took a different approach to studying and I think it worked, well it worked my stress level way down. I'm still a day behind, but tomorrow I will be studying in the office, as I really don't have a choice. What's frustrating to me is the structure. I realize this structure is in place to make us successful, but it's constricting and I've never fit well into anything that is tight. It's irritating to everyone involved, but I'm willing to look past it as I only have one more day and it's the weekend -- not that I won't be studying at least one day during the weekend -- but I can do whatever I choose. One week down, nine to go...

I Don't Want to Sound Like a Wuss... But I'm a Wuss...

OMG! This will be short and not sweet. I want to go home. Wait, I am home and home most of the day. I wake up anywhere between 5:30 and 6:00 and hit that book. I'm a day behind, and it's because when I'm at work, I work, and when I go into the office for a little bit I'm there for awhile and it's added up to a whole day lost. There's work to be done and I don't have time to study. So I've decided to study from home and before I know it I haven't eaten and I'm starving.

I thought the past 3 weeks have flown by, but these past three days have flown even faster. There are not enough hours in the day to really absorb 70% of the information. I need to take breaks so it's good to get texts or phone calls, because it's makes me stop. Even Morain will lie on the book when I've been at it too long.

I went to work at noon to get my new laptop set up and landed up staying there and studying, and before I knew it it was 5:30 and I was exhausted. I came home and I took a break -- 12 hours of studying today is enough. I have a headache, I look like shit, and I can't decide if I need a drink or ice cream to make me feel better. I think I need my bed. I'll finish the last unit 2 practice exam in the morning, start unit 3 and my goal is to finish it so Friday morning I can get the mid term exam done and I can just review over the weekend and still have a day to relax. I don't think relaxing is in my future for the next 10 weeks. I think exhaustion, to the point where I can do nothing but lie here is more like it. This is far from fun! (And David Blane is hot!)

Securities, Bonds, Yields...My Brain Hurts Already...

Holy cow! Today I started studying and the schedule is grueling. I don't know if I can learn that fast. I've started studying for the Series 6 exam and I'm supposed to read one unit a day and take a 25 question unit exam, getting a minimum 70% consecutively 3 times. In one day. The first unit is 75 pages. The book: the size of the white pages. I don't know if my brain is rusty or what, because it's just not absorbing as well as I'd like. My trainer told me this morning that the first unit is the hardest and most insignificant, as the basic concepts that are introduced are just reiterated throughout the rest of the units.

Today was a crazy day, as I still need 4 policies this week to qualify for a bonus. I had two for in the pipe, but they were the hardest close I've had to date. I pulled out all the stops to accommodate what they were requesting including fighting with billing, and agent assistance, and finally calling my territorial manager who was awesome and really helped me reach a compromise for their request. Two more policies and I'm good to go. Sure it's a bonus, but really it's the pressure of a policy goal for the region I have to fulfill.

Rodney and Isaac came to visit at the office and I was really glad to see them as it's been a couple of weeks since Rodney started his new schedule at work, which requires him to be asleep by 7:00 pm. I left with them and came home to eat, since I was so busy studying and making the calls for help, lunch slipped away from me. I came home, ate, and have been studying since, taking this break to vent. I'm actually absorbing more in the comforts of home as opposed to a sterile office environment. I plan on working on the exams in the morning, and then starting unit two at the office. It's scary not being able to absorb the massive amounts of information right away, but once I find my niche I'll be ok. I know it. Please send good, positive energy my way. I need all the help I can get.

From PostSecret

PostSecret is a great site and I check it every Saturday night or Sunday morning. This secret I loved because I can so relate. I love the Harry Potter series!

It's Been Over 3 Hours and I'm Still In Shock...

I went to see my grandma this afternoon, as I haven't seen her since 4th of July. She's doing a ton better after a series of strokes, and after all of that happened I had a really hard time going to see her. I enjoyed listening to her update me on all of the family gossip. But when I was getting up to leave, I told her that I had to go grocery shopping and she asked me what I buy now that the boys don't live with me. I told her that I mainly buy snack food and don't really eat a lot anymore since I don't really have to cook. And she told me that she knew I didn't eat a lot because I was thin. NEVER in my life has my grandma told me I was thin; always that she could tell that I was losing weight and to keep it up, but NEVER THIN! I sit here and think about that and I'm still in shock. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Next week my uncle is having his 60th birthday party and it is going to be HUGE, family from San Francisco is coming in for this party. I'm curious to see what others are going to say. I need to find a fabulous dress to wear to that shin dig stat!

Last Day of School...

Well at least that's how I felt when I left work today. (BTW... I always wanted to run out the front doors of school and throw my books and papers up in the air like they do in the movies.) Today was the last day at my old position and I start my new position on Monday. I will still be writing home and auto insurance, but I will be able to do so much more than that in the future. Monday I start studying for the series 6 exam, then the series 63, and finally life and health. There is going to be so much information to learn, I can only pray I will absorb it all like a sponge and then squeeze it out all over the tests. One step at a time is the only way I can look at it, and I'm seriously living minute by minute. The past 3 weeks have been so surreal I'm really looking forward to the weekend before diving in on Monday. I hope you all have a fabulous and safe weekend!!!